The last few weeks have gone down hill fast. We’ve been blessed with so much- new furniture, movie tickets, a friend to decorate and help organize my home for a few days, besides the normal things- everyone’s healthy, growing, food on the table and too many clothes in the dresser. Why is that? Why I am so darn grumpy?

In Luke, it says “A good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and an evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.” Well, what is my heart full of? I know I am filled with the Holy Spirit, so why does the Fruit not just flow out the way it’s supposed to? You know: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control. My “go to” place has NOT been joy, gentleness or self control.

Right now I am sitting in a beautiful hotel room that my HH got me for the night, for Mother’s Day. I’m not lying when I say that I just ran in here, holding back the tears, ready to just sit, read, listen and soak. On the way up, I listened to Chris Tomlin’s “Awake My Soul” and that has just been my heart lately! I feel like dry bones, with no life. It doesn’t have to be this way- I haven’t been spending time with Jesus alone, allowing Him to breathe life into me. And this is what I get- a hollow shell, a grumpy mom, a tired wife.

Right after Easter, I posted this about our family time. I put so much into it. For the first time, I was ready and prepared for a holiday. Usually I’m all like, “WHAT? Christmas is in December this year?!” This Easter felt great. I bought beautiful, meaningful, gifts; stayed in budget; studied with the kids; readied my own heart. But in all the fun preparing and the activities, maybe I let my hopes get a little too high, and was too excited about the kids’ reactions. They were happy with our Good Friday activities, but they weren’t JUMPING DOWN excited like I was. In hind sight, it just shows me that they are really used to fun, family, stuff. Not a horrible thing. But at the time, I was kinda disappointed. “Don’t you realize how much I put into this? How hard it is to shop for you all without you seeing, when you TAKE UP 75% of the cart with your bums? The surprises, the wrapping, the love I put into this? Don’t you see? Why aren’t you SOOOO excited?” 

And then news flash.

I wonder how Jesus feels about me.

When I sigh, and pick up the whining baby, not reveling in this gift of life we’ve been given. When I wait till the fight has escalated, because I don’t feel like peace making a fight about something that has no relevance in modern day society. When I don’t jump up to see what they have to “show me,” because I’m tired, even knowing that this season is so short and pretty soon they will stop showing me things. I’m choosing to see the circumstance, not the gift.

To see the moment, not the eternity.

These children, these hearts, that we’ve been given the huge responsibility of shepherding, are such an enormous blessing. But some days my bones just feel tired, and I need Jesus to breathe new life into me.

So that’s what I’m doing. Reading Ezekiel, even. I love the story of the bones. But I also came across another beautiful gem.

3:10-11 “Then he added, “Son of man, let all my words sink deep into your own heart first. Listen to them carefully for yourself. Then go to your people in exile and say to them, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says!’ Do this whether they listen to you or not.”

Two profound messages: for a poor prophet of Israel, and for a grumpy housewife in rural Winterland. One, let the words sink deep into my own heart. Two, do it whether they are listening or not.

So since I have all this time and all this quiet, I have started a new study to do on my own from Beth Moore on Daniel. It’s meant to be done with a group, but well, I’m doing it myself. It’s about living with integrity and with prophecy. Sounds terrific. Integrity is something this Mama needs more of.

I want my heart to be a wellspring of joy, not because of what God gives us, but because of who He is. I don’t want to “forget,” or not think about it. I want my “go to” place to be full of grace, peace and love. I want my first reaction to be patience and joy, not harried and grumpy. So here goes.

Lord, you got about 15 more hours to fill me up, before you send me back on out. Please make them long.

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